The stupid impulsive shit I do

Ok i am seated at my desk at the work place kicking myself and also shaking my head in wonder at how impulsive I can be…some hours away from my first date since I moved here …. and am sure its gonna be a disaster!!!

Two nights ago while idly surfing the net I suddenly wondered if dating sites work.  Overcome with curiosity I signed onto one. Created a profile and paid for membership… shit.

Within 20 minutes some dude wrote to me asking about me. I ignored it but woke up the next morning to another message an this time curiosity took over and I checked his pics. Not my type…I like my men athletic he was a bit too chubby for me. Ok so by the end of the day we had spoken on fone…my silly curiosity again and he convinced me to meet for coffee.

What the fuck is wrong with me… I need a hobby or gym fast coz this idle mind is gonna get me in major trouble. Ok so like three hours from now i am gonna meet someone for coffee who am not in the least bit interested in …..crap

Will tell you bout it over the weekend

Wish me luck!! Maybe not so that i will learn to not do impulsive stupid ish any more.

It will not be the death of us….

The greater your capacity to love, the greater your capacity to feel the pain.
Jennifer Aniston

 
Pain is the root of knowledge.
Simone Veil

I am a closet believer. I am a hopeless romantic. I am the kind of person who is roused to action by an eloquent speech or reduced to tears by a tragic movie. I have accepted this truth, it’s why I have tried in vain to sleep around, to have random one night stand sex with strangers and failed, not for the lack of trying, believe you me. There has been plenty of opportunity. The last 5 years of my life afforded me the luxury of having men fawn over me, desire me and yet, because of what I am, I wouldn’t, couldn’t indulge. Instead I gave into the fatal flaw of copulating with a few of those who aroused in me the utmost unquestioning blind faith fuelled with the romantic naiveté of the young that the most callous, broken and manipulative weren’t above redemption and  deserve to be loved…by me.  The lie that love must hurt, must cost you the world for in return your soul will be saved in the eternal bliss of loving and being loved. This pain, this undeniable hurt that those we may love bring us is good cause for brief pause, at least to assess if it’s really worth it. Just ‘cause you love them, doesn’t mean you have to be with them.

A few hours ago I was faced with someone’s pain. He is my friend and the few months I have known him, he is able to elicit an unquestioning faith and loyalty in me, that I have seldom felt for anyone in my life. My friend, let’s call him David, is going through a tough break up. He made a few mistakes along the way, so did his love interest, let’s call her Patricia. Well David is at the point where he wants to make things work for good with her and well Patricia a day ago shows up at his doorstep to pick up her things from his place….accompanied by her new lover!! They haven’t been broken up two months and she did this. When he told me….I swear, I was so mad. I wanted to stretch out across the thousands of miles and shake the silly little gal and tell her “Do you realize you may have lost him forever? Is this what you really want? Are you fucking sure, coz this is the beginning of the end”. I get she is in pain. When two people love each other, heartache is seldom singular and lashing out is instinctive but why the fuck bring your lover to your ex’s house? Why apart from Malice?  The malice that proves one point, she doesn’t deserve the privilege to be a part of her ex’s life, not as a friend, acquaintance, or restored lovers.

As David told me what she had done, there was no denying the pain in his voice. He is a very proud man and to have him admit the pain had my overly protective instinct well up inside me. I wanted to write her an e-mail and tell her to keep the fuck away. But that wouldn’t be prudent….and David would kill me! I am also intimately acquainted with malicious disrespectful pain inflicted by lovers and never wish it on anybody. I told him over and over again that he would heal. That this pain he feels, is intense and would feel worse at times and will sometimes cloud his judgement and creep up suddenly as he was in work meetings BUT HE WOULD HEAL. Slowly, one day at a time. He said if she asked now to get back together he would rush back into her arms. I said I understood but what was speaking was his being revolting against the pain. Anything to escape the pain. He suggested he sleep around to forget her. I said “bad idea, it just masquerades the pain, never heals it.” See I am not far ahead of David as far as healing goes. But I am slowly learning, going through the pain is an integral part of the healing. The grief, regret, anger, loathing, low self-esteem is all part of it, for they demand answers. You ask answers of yourself, of life, of your beliefs and of others and are reminded or at least come to new  truths that will have you coming out the other end stronger and wiser. Bleed as you may, the only death it will bring is to the folly that brought you the pain.

I hate that my friend is in pain but to masquerade it with an indulgence in other carnal pleasures would not only temporarily mask the pain but also abort the healing. He will go through and come out the other end and one day find someone deserving of his love.

Okay about my week?

I hate my job but will be going back to school soon and I may have to do a post mid-week to fill you in on all these employment and school “ish”. I am actually excited about school…can’t wait!!

Have a great weak y’all

Shalom.

Pain dies quickly, and lets her weary prisoners go; the fiercest agonies have shortest reign.
William C. Bryant

Babies…

I am way past my 20s and can’t with certainty say I want kids….If I get them great, If I don’t great. My life doesn’t hinge on me procreating. I have never believed otherwise. Where I was born to even think this is akin to sacrilegious. As if it’s a rite of passage that validates one’s existence, which is utter rubbish if you ask me…but to each man their own.

Babies love my younger sister…they adore her and she adores them equally…She coos around them, will hold them and hug them and you will hear both her and the babies squeal in delight as she holds them closer and makes strange annoying baby sounds (unintelligible retarded sounds meant to mimic what is thoughts to be the children’s initial attempts at talking) My sister can’t wait to have kids. I on the other hand….

I only want kids if my mate and I want them as a unit. If he truly doesn’t (sigh of relief) then I am good. Do I fool myself that this is likely? No….but a gal is allowed to dream, aint she? Seriously though, I decided while in my 20s not to get pregnant out of a steady relationship. So I lived those years armed to the teeth with contraception. Did that mean I never had pregnancy scares? Show me a sexually active woman above the age of 25 who hasn’t and I will show you a liar. But in my case, they were always false alarms due to Aunt Flow delaying her visits. Crap…I digress…back to the point.

If I can trust the man to be a good father to the children, then I will have kids with him. Forget loving him…I am sorry but I don’t think that my relationship with the man will be the overriding factor. What happens if we split up? He walks away from them, abandons them?!  I will have kids with a man who loves them and is dedicated to having them become the best they can be. This has to be totally independent from what is going on between us as parents and lovers.

As you can imagine most of my girlfriends have babies. Children who mostly are past toddler stage (thank God). One of the most tiresome exercises was listening to people talk about who the newborns look like. “Oh he got the fathers head” “She got her mum’s eyes” “Aren’t those grandfathers’ feet” Such Rubbish! Let’s be honest, at less than a month old, the baby scarcely looks human. J It’s this delicate pink or greyish or yellowish blob that the mother thinks is the most beautiful thing in the world coz her mind is playing tricks on her…yes…say it slowly with me …..HORMONES. Those wonderful hallucinogenic chemicals that kick in so that she won’t do hideous shit like eat her child, like other mammals are known to do. And all other observing women stand by with similar hormonal shit kicking in that seems to send biological signals that mimic desires to have their own babies or at least think this one day old baby is beautiful…eesih.

For men its testosterone wrapped up in ego. The need to procreate and leave their mark in this world through their spawn is such a primal instinct that I wonder if they even realize how fundamental it is to their very core. Whether it’s in Africa or America, most men want kids and a closer inspection as to why will reveal a need for continuity of their genes in the world, fancily put as “Legacy”

 

That said now I can tell you about my first week at work. It was great…NOT!!! Bore outta my mind but people I have sought advice have told me to give it a month. So I will. Plus it pays my bills as I have just moved to this town so for now…will wait but I am bored I tell you. Anyway looking into getting into school again and its gonna be a degree and certificate concurrently…that should be interesting. Will tell you more about work next week.

My heart? Am I still as heart sick as I was? No J Work helps with fantastic family support and a bit of common sense like not checking his facebook page or tweets at all (all you who have broken up with someone know exactly what I am talking about). I saw this and it encapsulated what I am about now.

My lesson every day

Have a great and productive week…

Broken

Moved to an entirely new place and begin work at a totally new job on Monday.

There is a part of me that is grateful for a new start, there is a part of me that mourns the loss I have had the past couple of years.

Put it simply…I am broken.

Will I ever heal? You betcha coz I have been here too many times, been hurt and made dumb life choices and still recovered…and yet today I cannot run away from the fact that I hurt.

The kind of hurt that grips your insides and clenches your stomach, the kind of hurt that closes your throat and you almost choke. The kind of hurt that becomes a physical ache and as you cry out to God for relief deep in the night you are flooded with the realization of it as you double over in physical pain. I have lived with this kind of pain most of my life, but these past four years, I have built an altar to it. On this altar I have made many sacrifices, friends, family and worst of all common sense.

I haven’t blogged the last couple of months because this pain has clogged me, my mind and Spirit but I can now admit that that the real leading reason was shame.

People never talk about the shame of a broken heart. Never tell you that when u get a broken heart from loving someone you shouldn’t, not only do you feel naked and a failure, you also feel like the dumbest shit in the Universe. I am there right now…fucking hurting and feeling like a failure.

You know what’s absurd about it all? What makes me mad, is not that things did not work out between us…just sad about that. But what really makes me mad is that I am in so much pain that it threatens my sense of self worth, its as if I failed at life, never mind that before I moved from my former work place I was at the peak of my profession with an amazing family and great close friends. The pain lies to you…rapes you and tries to take away your dignity.

Yesterday I was walking,  headed to the mall, as it snowed, -12, my fingers feeling numb with cold and for the first time saying to myself that I missed the Tropics, I thought about him, and how he would have laughed at me and told me to deal, could hear his voice in my head, and my eyes fogged. Then as I walked I remembered the ugly bits and as I felt the tears run down my tears, I felt them freeze. There and then I knew that this pain had to stop…I would write again…everything and exorcise these demons. Once and for all.

So I have decided to chronicle my pain, no longer hide from it and allow it to cover me in shame. I will tell you all of it and yes…if you think I am stupid at points, wouldn’t  blame you coz some of the stuff I did, some of the stuff I took was really dumb shit…so yes, do be honest.

On another note will let you know how my firstday at my new job went.

Have a great weekend.

GETTING BACK IN THE GAME…FOR REAL

I was riffling through my panty drawer, looking for suitable underwear coz it’s close to that time of the month and really don’t want to be caught off guard.  Yup, coz if it had been any other day, I wouldn’t be wearing any panties

I recently got rid of all the high waist panties, opting to only stay with Frenchies, a few strings and low waist ones, so I opted for a black frenchie, comfortable and sexy. So I was looking through the stash, when I noticed a sliver of pink peeking from the bottom of the stash….I pull at it, to reveal a shocking pink and black g-string. I am puzzled, when did I get this? I wonder….

Then it suddenly comes back to me, I had bought lingerie for him. We were supposed to get out of town, hole ourselves at a Game park lodge and…be happy. It had been a rough year for us with our on and off relationship and we both agreed that we needed to take time away together away from the usual too talk and have loads of sex and see if we could strengthen our resolve to make it work. Well we never did. He broke it off a week after I bought new lingerie and I was stuck with the bloody things.

Such a waste…

As I look at the camisoles, g-strings, lacy bras that still have their tags on them, I realize I have changed. In just 2 months, I have morphed into this woman who is having loads of sex but not really enjoying it. I smile sadly to myself as I admit for the first time that even if I have slept with like 3 different men in as many weeks, none of it feels as great as with my ex. I miss the synergy, the wild abandon, the ability to laugh in the middle of it all when a position just doesn’t work out as planned. I miss giving head to a dick that is large as it is beautiful. I need to get over this runt and enjoy it again…with someone else. Gotta get my head back in the game, I keep on comparing the other guys to my ex, no wonder I wasn’t enjoying it.

So there and then I tore off the tags and made a mental note to wear this lingerie within a week .

UPDATE

So much has happened so fast that I am not sure if I can write it all but I will try not to leave out the important bits.

but I really dont know where to start…in a space of 1 month i don’t think I have been so broken hearted and yet so hopeful of the future.

Had a recent ex, I haven’t gotten quite over, rub his new gal in my face and I kinda went all bitch ass on him…not my finest hour but I have learnt my lesson

So i start a new job soon…really excited!!

Can’t really write…soo clogged. But when I can, will post something a little more coherent…maybe!

Later

 

 

 

 

 

Last Night

I am seated across this guy, our knees occasionally brushing against each other as I lean closer in an attempt to hear him over the din of the Music. I am so aware of him, the fiery passion in his eyes, that he tries so hard to keep in check, as he speaks about things he cares about while pretending to be nonchalant. The occasional flash of weariness in his eyes as I casually touch his shoulder, and my favourite- the dropped guard after a couple of glasses of whisky , that give him the courage(albeit in a long winded round-about way) to ask me the fundamental question “Woman, what is it that you want from me, do you want to fuck me?” The simple answer?

“NO”

It’s a truth that even surprises me. As I approach 30, I am aware more and more of myself, of what I truly want, and what I so totally cant fucking stand in a way so potent that never in my life have I celebrated the shit, the grit…the glory and the entire story!

I am so drawn to men…some men, in a passionate, all consuming, barely concealed curiosity that I am sure that there are at least 3 men I know now who think I desperately want to fuck them and yet, I wouldn’t even as much as kiss them. It is so hard convincing them though. But I have done this with over 5 men in the last 3 years and it looks like, I am just getting started.

So what’s the deal?

I love men…at least these men. And no, not in the romantic and sexual sense but in affectionate way that is brought about by a deep seated respect for how their minds work, how they live their lives, in many times ways that are in stark contrast to my own. Do I agree with everything they say? Almost never. And yet I am drawn to the passion with which they live their lives…unbridled passion.

Last night I was hanging out in a bar for over 6 hours with one such man. And as he drowned himself in whisky, I stuck to the non alcoholic stuff and watched him. He handles his drink really well and as he became more animated as the hours past, the more I liked him and the more I was sure that nothing sexual was going to happen between us. Firstly, because I knew that I wasn’t sexually attracted to him at all and secondly because I knew I wanted to be a part of his life a lot longer, and the fastest way I knew I would jeopardize this was to join the queue of the swooning females in his life. So do I want to marry him? Hell No!! But…I do want him as my friend, one he respects, and the only way to do this is to stay out of his bed.

So begins the dance…

One I have done several times before, of letting him know, gently but firmly, that I don’t wanna sleep with him but I adore his mind, love his passion and the way he tries so very hard to feign nonchalance about women and the world. But I know the truth. It isn’t that he doesn’t care, a lie he tells me every single opportunity he gets, but it’s that he cares too much. About life, the human condition and people, that these cares have broken his heart too many times before that he is afraid to but really can’t help himself.

 

So Do I wanna fix him? No

I simply wanna watch him, to be a part of his life, as much as possible, as he morphs into what I believe is going to be a spectacular tale, when it’s all said and done.

 

SO, I will stick around. Be his friend. Not flirt, even if he begs me. And with time, he will believe that I am so not after what’s in his pants, but his heart…and not in the way he thinks.

 

As I leave him at the bar, I smile at myself wearily…I am so tired of doing this dance, but this one is worth it, they always are.

My Rage

You tell ME that I should not be mad,

That there is no reason to be sad.

That your love surpasses

This predicament…this mess

That your help, my saving grace

Will heal this brokenness!

 

I don’t believe you

For you have left me one too many times

Out in the cold

To my enemies sold

So I lie naked and bare,

For everyone to stare.

And the pain rips through my guts

To the point it’s driving me nuts

 

Bending in agony

I cry and scream for help

For Love?

For Grace?

For Pity?!

Silence…

 

And still you didn’t come

And this I know…the Sum

I truly am on my own

My heart turns to stone…

Hmmm…

Ok, so I am wondering what to say now that won’t be corny. Well nothing. So I won’t rumble on about nothing. Will just…do exactly that J

So I have done the obligatory first post, next will be a worthwhile read…yeah…I promise

Later